Day One Again (Losing Kevin)

If grief could kill
I’d have died with you
If grief could kill
I’d be in your shoes

If bargaining helped
I’d plead my case
That you’re far too precious
To ever replace

If holding someone else
Felt at all the same
I’d hold everyone
And call them your name

But it’s not the same
And it’s still too soon
And I’ll never love them
Like I loved you

So if grief could kill me
I’d lay down and die
But I’ve already felt it
A thousand times…

So I guess I’ll stand up
And face the day down
But when night comes
that wave comes

And again I will drown.

Because every night
I can’t pretend
It’s like your father’s call,
and you’re dying again.

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Haiku #1 2020

Just call me Alice

in Wonderland. And you can

be my Mad Hatter.

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Stream

Inspiration for the poem…

I’ve got a stream of conscious thoughts, they’re running away. They’re running in the right direction more everyday. I used to feel like I was sinking with out a boat. But as the rapids settle down I’ve learned how to float. Want a chance to take a moment and reflect on this stuff. Got the man back that I can’t have, somehow still not enough. Take a walk this evening get picked up, not running away. When I confront the ash and dust, there’s nothing to say. I got death in my and life in me both at the same time. I got poetry and ecstasy, feed you that half rhyme. Take a spin on my four wheels, helmet up for two. Peeling out of my backyard what else can we do? I hope you’re stoked it’s not a joke the rhymes that I say. I’m reaching down deep in my soul, get carried away. Collecting thoughts like broken lighters, barely a-fire. Plug me in I’ll hook you up, how live is your wire? Round again, I’ll count to ten we’ll start it from scratch. This is never bad, these dreams I’ve had are starting to hatch. I know I cough, you’re running off, afraid it will catch. But I still give hugs, don’t need your nugs, I’ll grow a new batch. I’ll plant the see but it’s not weed, it’s flowers in bloom. I can paint a picture with words without leaving my room. In quarantine, my room’s not clean but it’s still a place. Urge to expand is in demand. Not showing our faces. It’s not about where you end up but what your mind chases. And when I get back I’ll start a stack of crazy newspapers. Reading those headlines my eyes in blinds I clap my erasers. A cloud of dust and glass and rust, it’s all making scars. We’ve lost our dreams, dopamine streams, and beautiful cars. So we’re all on edge, we’re at the ledge of here and alone. No holding hands they broke our plans, just throw us a bone? Not drunk now but debunk the rumor of traffic cones. If we stay in lines and count our dimes will we sit on thrones? I’m all done with it. Yeah, fuck this shit it’s time to sign off. But I’ll still take hugs, I’ll catch those bugs, I’m not getting soft.

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Covid 19

You’re six feet from your closest friend

wondering how this all will end

I wish that I coud tell you what to do

A simple poem is all I have for you

 

You’re all alone in your bedroom

The clock ticks past, you meet on Zoom

You look at them but don’t know what to say

A simple prayer is all I have to pray

 

We wonder how much time we’ve got

And how much cash to spend, or not

Your records and your movies overplayed

A simple quiet heartbeat takes the stage

 

Listen to its gentle tone

Remembering we all are one

We joy and suffer, hidden and displayed

We work to love this life that feels

delayed…

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Testimony

I don’t have to live ever again in sorrow or in pain.
Even though this world and all it’s evil wants to make me feel insane.
I don’t even have to put up any truly vicious fight.
Jesus is the way and the truth and the light.
All I have to do is believe in Him and then receive
The strength, healing, and trust that I was meant to achieve.
Even as the devil rattles his lies deep into my mind
I can be so patient, so joyful, so loving and so kind.
I can sleep in the darkness while I live in his light.
I can play through the day or I can work through the night.
My freedom is alive even if I’m put in chains.
There’s nothing that can hurt me while I’m shouting out his name.
There is nothing left to do when the battle is won except aim for your dreams unashamed and just for fun.
Carry passion for your principles but don’t forget to breathe
Because tomorrow is in His hands and His love will never leave.
In love and with His living word deep within my heart. I don’t feel pressure
to be perfect or real special or real smart. All I need to know was written long ago and manifests in our relationship as He Himself can show as we are blessed. Our bond is so alive he reacts to my every prayer. And rewards my faith in truth even when it seems He isn’t there.
I never thought I’d testify to what I used to find absurd, but I put my hand upon the plow and I tested out His word. And once I knew I knew in my heart, I was freed from all the evil. There’s a glory lying just beyond that is truly unconceivable. There’s a gap with a bridge and His name is Jesus Christ. There is one truth that lives and, dead to sin, I give my life.
I know that this might change the looks I get from other people’s eyes
but their judgment isn’t final and all hate is a disguise.
I hope so fully others find Him more than I can now explain. So all can free themselves from sorrow, worry, ego, and their pain.
I write this poem sincerely, even though it may seem odd, I no longer can express myself without my Living God.

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Sometimes It Feels As If

I never spoke, n’er uttered out one word

That made it to your heart to show my care.

My gestures have all flown south like the birds.

My expressions like the fog of long-cleared air.

 

I try to do well by putting Him first,

then you or I or something blocks the way.

So I’ll never speak or utter out one word

Duly expressing the fervency with which I pray.

 

 

 

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The Way

Jesus found me

Hurt by my own sin

Too much alcohol, drugs, and lust

 

To even Begin,

To talk to Him.

 

Jesus found me

Crying out for fear of snakes

Of Death and Firey Lakes

 

Of overindulgence

In Self and Mistakes.

 

Jesus found me

Crying on the bedroom

Floor. Crying out for more.

 

My mother asked me to pray

And my heart finally opened the door.

 

Jesus found me and gave me Hope and Light.

He promises to make everything right.

He promises that any struggle I feel

Can be overcome and I can be brought to

a Love that is fully real.

 

He spun me around like his clay

And showed me his miraculous ways.

He pulled me from the river into the sun.

 

And now He sees me and we walk as One.

 

He sees me all day and restores my peace

Moment by moment we breathe.

We smile, we walk, and we speak.

 

And now the hours, the days, and the weeks

Are mild and majestic and free

He is as close as my own two feet.

And everything above and beneath.

Now I know that when we meet in the End,

He will call me his friend.

 

Even if he wouldn’t pretend that I behaved

Like an Angel from cradle to grave.

 

He would be honest in how his heart grieved

When I was selfish or mean or deceived,

And then mercifully lend me his sleeve,

For He loves us.

All Who Believe.

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Alone, Together (Ekphrasis): A foreword and a New Poem, Finally!

It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything I like. So when the first few lines of this one came to me at about 5am during insomnia I thought, well *deep breath* now I’ve got to get up and write a poem. I am glad I let it flow instead of dissipate. I like this one, as bleak as it may read. I have found a good publishing company, Christian Faith Publishing, but I can’t at all afford to publish right now, though doing so would be a dream come true.

I have been battling vicious schizophrenic phenomena (completely normal in my situation: “research shows that, especially for recently bereaved people, it is not uncommon to hear the voice of someone who isn’t actually there speaking to you, or who may even be dead” [Mental Health Foundation]), panic disorder, and (possibly manic) depression. My faith in Christ comes with powerful waves of peace and joy that last only a few hours these days. Stability is not something I find recently. I am still very heartbroken for my circumstances in this world. I even found myself irrationally acting out at my own beautiful mother just because she referenced the people in my life I have lost. I don’t even recognize myself in those moments. But I will continue to try to heal. And I thank God for the patience, forgiveness, compassion and support of my parents and friends and family. I am a fallen soul. It is God’s great love that gives me what strength I find. Praise Jesus.

Alone, Together (Ekphrasis)

It is together we have turned from God.

Alone, together, each turns back and prays.

 

It is together we grasp ourselves to time.

It is alone that we lose track of days.

 

To meet, we strongly seek a special place.

Yet each one floats adrift in a sea of space.

 

It is together that we joy and mourn.

It is alone we let go of it all.

 

The good we seek in each other, we find, forlorn.

As through fate each comes to terms with his own fall.

 

Adjoined to a mother’s womb as we are born,

It is alone that we release our form.

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You are Snow

Slow, gentle, peaceful

little water dust.  Created

in immaculate

 

imperceptible complexity. By

many forces of this world. Pulled

from thin air,

 

released to go

where you may, sparkling

in front of the street lamp.

 

Swirling around. Slow, gentle,

peaceful

 

falling, shining in the light

supported by air

 

and your weightless

remarkable content.  Finding

 

true rest

 

long before

 

reaching

 

the ground.

 

My God.

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Grow in Grace

Wind through the window is

Hope rushing into Our Soul

On a quiet day, living the Whole.

 

Chaos can be sought and yet

True Peace surrounds our ever

Growing hearts. God loves this world,

 

Fully.  Eternally.

 

So that in Whole it stays Sewn, and

Grown, together, while some things

Look torn into parts.

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